A midlife crisis unfolds

So that is what this might be, or not, I really don’t know. At this point in my life, I know that it is more important to go with it than to fight it. What exactly am I talking about? Well,…. this blog, my career, my goals, my need to create , blah blah blah. All first world problems, and that is why I don’t really care. It does , however, make me emotional at times. It has been about five years since I wrote any music, and for some strange reason, that is always a factor of sorts. Obviously, I need to make something, and now I am starring down the barrel of making something I have never, but always wanted to.

Part of me feels like I have spent a lot of my young adult years saying “this is it, this is what I am doing with my life” only to have it morph ever so much to become something else. I am beating myself up here, but at the very least, the very core, programming has been the reoccurring theme ( and ways to make money from it ).

First it was video games ( some twenty years ago ), and then it was web development, and then it was programming automated trading software, and then a four year hiatus to possibly give in to my years in the food industry, only to find myself back at the desire to make video games again.

Whatever, right? When I sought to go back to school last year, I saw an option for a Video Game Developer emphasis and went for it. I know software engineering is what I want to do, even if it was a shitty job, even the shittiest job in the tech industry would be more fitting for a father and husband than a chef position ( about the same amount of money, more in some regards, but better hours, paid time off, etc,… ) , and that is really what all of this is about. I do care about what I want to do, and I am not nervous about what I can do, it is more about adding value to the quality of my life versus adding just a numerical value.

Hence, the impulse to choose video game developer emphasis in my degree. Like, I know none of those classes that are in that emphasis will truly change the way I think and approach game development, but the out-loud declaration of my major was the first step to realizing that I had been hiding my true desire for about a decade.

Which also means I have been purposely keeping myself out of the loop, and more sadly, not even playing newer games ( except maybe minecraft ).

So now, I have haphazardly jumped into developing a game I have no heart about, but want to get back on that damn horse and ride. It would be the start of a bad habit if I don’t finish it, so I must finish it, even though it is scary and disgusting. But there is even more concerning questions and worries I have up ahead.

  1. What game would I feel passionate about?
  2. What would the premise of that game even be?
  3. How in the hell am I going to market myself?

I think an RPG would be the best. Or a story based action game…. I also love puzzle games. But, what would a premise be? Like, what would it be that makes my game unique? Hell, I have never even thought of this. One thing I came across was having the two opposing ideas mixed as one – something that is ironic, or in of itself, a free floating idea that could be almost anything. And really, the type of game and the premise would just be a matter of time before I thought of something great and unique.

More importantly, how would I market myself?

…… like, seriously.

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