Rewinding the clock to the age of playfulness

And the sad part is I knew this, I watched it walk away, and I actually would condemn myself for even thinking or wanting to play. It wasn’t until about five years ago, when I was fired for the first time in my cooking career and left to be on unemployment and jobless, I picked up my sons xbox after about ten years of not playing video games and fell in love with minecraft. I think I played everyday for about a month. I would take the kids to school, go to the store and buy coffee, soda, and some snacks, and then come home and play straight until I had to pick them up. I would battle through the guilt I felt because I wasn’t looking for work or working on anything else, but now I realize the beast I created all those years.

I started off my teenage years wanting to make video games, I started learning programming and had made a couple of games on my Mac PowerPC . I spent a few years going to college and working on music, getting accustomed to living on my own, and then my son was born.

I decided I was going to make money on my computer, and before I knew it , I was doing web development. I did that for a decade, never once thinking about games or anything creative, except for music here and there.

I probably have repeated this story a million times.

Part of this is the fact that I am a creative, and I haven’t created crap for about five years, since the last time I recorded some music.

In the span of twenty years, other than my music, I haven’t created crap. Every year, I say I am going to create an asset , something that is creative, that feeds my desire to create, and that can be sold.

Here I am, twenty years later, and I have nothing to show for all this time. So, its crunch time.

About ten years ago, I wanted to play D&D again, and bought a couple of books. Its hard to play when you haven’t played and you have no time. I wanted to write a book, but never really got around to it. I spent a couple of year studying the markets, no regrets, but I didn’t work on anything during that time. If you could see the history of my blog, it has been restarted, on average, once a year.

I say all of this, because this is it. I am deciding to be a game developer, and HAVE TO PUSH THROUGH in order to keep my sanity. I am having a mid life crisis, and I need to find my identity.

I tried to be a chef, and just couldn’t. I tried to be a web developer, and did well, but that ship has sailed. I am still a musician, and I could probably calm my nerves if I just made some music, but it won’t make me any money. So….. lets do this, RIGHT?

Well, once I did a few tutorials on untiy, and realized I am still completely capable of coding, and that its okay that I am not the greatest visual artist, it occurred to me I could make any game I wanted to. So, what do I make? I have to think of a game?…. which, twenty years ago, I could have come up with a million ideas a second, where right now, I am getting one a week. Sure, when I was a kid, out of a billion in a day, one might be a good one, but it wouldn’t have been just good, it would have been great. The one I am coming up with now,….. probably isn’t so great.

Where is that tap, that faucet , that flow of creativity? I remember it so well. Anyone can, if they just think about it, or watch a toddler play. They don’t care, they don’t judge, they don’t even care of the quality of the game they are playing. They make it up, as they go, they edit the rules, not to what favors who is playing, but to what favors more fun. When we are kids, we know exactly how to have fun, and even when were not on the mark, we play test until its super duper fun.

Sorry, I have no idea how to make this happen. But I do know that being aware of it, allows your mind to roll back the years of ‘adulthood’ .

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